It’s a weird thing to describe to someone, how it feels to be waiting to adopt. I’ve done the other type of wait, the wait when you’re pregnant and waiting to meet your baby, to hold them, all fresh and know that they’re okay. The last month of pregnancy is at least 400 days long, I can fully vouch for that. I knew I was pregnant very early on, so it felt like a really really long 41.5 weeks. The fact that I was huge and could barely breathe only exaggerated matters. Waiting to adopt though, is so very different.
You don’t get a phone call or email when you’ve finally gone into labour. Every twinge and funny gurgle in your belly is a little bit of hope that it might be time. With adoption, every single phone call I get, in the back of my mind I think, “Could this be it?” Especially if the caller ID says UNKNOWN. That’ll really make your heart skip a beat. I check my email way more times in the run of a day than is necessary. I know that if it’s important they’ll likely phone me, but honestly, you never know. I have to say, it’s pretty disappointing to only ever get junk mail.
Sometimes when it’s quiet at the house, I can’t help my mind from wandering. I’ll think that quiet times like that will be less common. I’ll over think a little too, about “What if we end up adopting two?” Could we handle it? What will they be like? Will they resent us for taking them out of their home country? Will they have interest in their birth parents? Or none at all? Will they know english? How old? What gender? What have their lives been like before we met? What about before they went into the orphanage? What were the circumstances surrounding them being placed into an orphanage? What if we know nothing? What if we know their whole family history? I’m sure it’s completely normal to wonder these things.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s all going to fall out from beneath our feet. We’ve done so much paperwork, put so much time and effort and heart into this so far, but it won’t be ‘real’ for us, not really, until we get the call. Honestly, I sometimes fear that I’ll get an email saying that they’ve taken us off the list because they’ve decided that I’m not fit anymore, that we couldn’t handle another child, or maybe that my BMI is too high for their liking (yes, part of the requirements to adopt from the Philippines is to be under a certain BMI, and yes, they CAN make that a requirement).
This past Christmas was really emotional for me, which kind of hit me out of the blue. This year I’ll be a bit more prepared for it. We’re a family that hangs out fairly often on a regular basis anyway, but even more so surrounding the holidays. It’s almost too much to try and visit with and see everyone we want to see and who wants to see us. I couldn’t help but think of where our child was right then. Had they been born already? Were they sitting in an orphanage over Christmas? Did they feel loved? Or lonely? I wished they could be with us already, enjoying the love of our family.
We always have it in the back of our minds. We’re making plans for our next family vacations, as well as our 10 year anniversary next year, and we honestly have to think about what we might do if we booked something and then got the call for our adoption. Travel cancellation insurance is a really good idea.
As you can see, there are a lot of questions surrounding adoption for me, and I’m sure for others in the same situation as us too. All I can really do is wait, as patiently as possible, and pray that our future child or children are being well taken care of until we can hold them in our arms.